When the officer says "gee son... your eyes look red, been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
I pay your salary!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Are you Andy or Barney?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Aren't you the guy from the village people?
Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Act naturally ... Found missing ... Resident alien ... Advanced BASIC ... Genuine imitation ... Safe sex ... Airline food ... Good grief ... Same difference ... Almost exactly ... Government organization ... Sanitary landfill ... Alone together ... Legally drunk ... Silent scream ... British fashion ... Living dead ... Small crowd ... Business ethics ... Soft rock ... Butt head ... Military intelligence ... Software documentation ... New classic ... Childproof ... "Now, then ..." ... Synthetic natural gas ... Passive aggression ... Taped live ... Clearly misunderstood ... Peace force ... Temporary tax increase ... Computer jock ... Plastic glasses ... Terribly pleased ... Computer security ... Political science ... Tight slacks ... Definite maybe ... Pretty ugly ... British Dentist ... Twelve-ounce pound cake ... Diet ice cream ... Working vacation ... Exact estimate ... Religious tolerance

"What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died


"Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
"Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?


"Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about
your insurance policy.


"Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that
you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just
saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about
your insurance policy.


"What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No,
of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't
you like being married?" said the wife. "Of
course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone

A chicken once survived for 18 months with its head cut off. The town of Fruita, Colorado celebrates ""Mike, the headless chicken day"" annually to commemorate this remarkable chicken.